i fear...he does not care..

i talk to him,

he says he loves me..

i chat with him..

he says he loves me..

why do i fear..

that he does not care..

i fear he does not care,

when i don't message him back..

i fear he does not care,

when i miss him...

i fear he does not care,

when i call him...

i fear he does not care when i love him..

it has been a small time so long,

i have known him for years,

yet i feel something has left my sense of understanding him behind,

he is still an unknown book to me..

and he says ..

"i have told you everything"...

last night i called him,

a whole day passed,

we had no talk..

i thought at the end of the day..

he would make me sit on the sack of hay..

and say..

it the dream vanished,

when he said..

" let me sleep,

you study if you wish..

or sleep as you like.."...

i just felt like nothing so bad...

but not that easy to be called "so nice.".

this is when i fear.......

this is why i fear.....

i fear when he says there are friends around,

i fear his anger that has kept him bound,

i fear the temperament of losing him..

i fear the heart that gave him wound..

after several things lost,

it is him, i found.

fear is a lesson for every human being,

to start realizing the end can approach you soon..

he gets irritated in a minute so soon..

this again,

lets me think,

"girl how much do you know him,

may be he is that strong...

there may be chances where i can go wrong..

in thinking what exactly he is..

in finding out..

the way he gives me a miss..."

strong is he,

i know him man!

still i feel.. 

he is the one,

i can spend my life with..

he is the spy..

i can easily bet,

he will find every core of me..

the lesson he teaches me,

makes me open with him..

but a trouble knocks in,

when he speaks nothing..

i fear his silence would get danger,

i fear about it is he aware?

i fear he does turn into a stranger,

i fear about this one with him,if i can share?

he is no weird,

he does so many things i like,

he listens ..

i take it as pride.

i just have few worries,

distance is roping me apart from him,

but making me close to his heart,

understanding him,

knowing him..

clears it all..

i fear the day would come in delay,

i fear by the time..

his anger does not make any gateway..

i fear what the rest of the world may spare,

but if any negative thing touches him..

i do'nt fear the thing then,

"the thing",you dare! 

he is the luckiest part of my life,

yet i wish this stranger hugs me so tight,

that i feel he cares,

i feel no fear,

i feel no worries,

i feel no anger from him,

it is all passion and his heartbeat..

intimating the heat,

me in his arms...

and singing the enrique song..

"i can heart your heartbeat"...

i fear few things.. 

fear would remain,        

till the time he is far,

the fear will remain,

till the time..

the time is unfair..

and would evade..

one day..

when he begins to care...

to that one day he told me,

"those who are close to me,

darling! i care.....".

because of her class labour - the silence kills

the silence .... is quiet.. but when it speaks.. people need courage to hear..the cry.

a pain so deep,eye get darken.

There was something going inside kamakshi, she had never dreamt of  this horrible night in her life.. this horrible time with a person,she dont even know..she had to get laid with.

"when a women is disturbed,

when she is distressed..

when she is in shock,

when she is in trauma...

her nerves are dread deep in pain,

so it is better not to touch her..."

those who do this big mistake, never achieve anything in their life. not even love..not even shame.. but words...we never like to hear.

kamakshi was thrown out of the room after the contractor could not stand in front of her. well, kamakshi was a dead body now... 

the clerk was not able to look at her.. she was miserable..

she came out naked. thanks to the almighty darkness which covered her body... no body could see anything in the dark. at least the clerk got a little sense  now and he had devastated her .

"from all the trees that watched her go,

from all the stars that saw her in dullness,

from all air that touched her skin impure,

from all the mud the sat on her toes,

they all know.. 

she was silent.. 

because of the woes.."

clerk just left her at near savitri's den.

savitri had no clue where did she go. ...

the moment kamakshi and clerk came near to savitri's hut.

in the dark...................................

"go inside before any body glares at you. dogs are not less in this town.",clerk warned kamakshi.

she looked at his face,though she had no clue of the language..a big mishap made her utter some words in silence..

clerk left her as she was. without cover.. 

she stepped into the water shed place. sat there.. ... 

quiet..

looking at the water flowing by... 

"ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh "... she screams.. and everybody gets awake.. they don't know what happened..

 savitri comes out.. she find no body outside. she doze off again. 

kamakshi is broken into pieces here. she can't respond to anything. you better understand it .. i cannot even mention what she feels like.

she gets up. takes a bath. put new clothes. quietly sleeps into her small place near savitri. 

savitri hears her whispers. she wakes up. she looks here and there is there is any mice or any other such things whispering. 

she suddenly looks at kamakshi. she remembers she was absent here a minute ago, how come she is here now? where was she? gosh! 

savitri speaks up,"kamakshi?".

she is quiet... 

"kamakshi"?? ..savitri thinks she is sleeping. she does not want to bother the little girl.

kamakshi is tender. savitri has no clue to what the small girl faced.

morning is not easy

no seasons now...no mornings..

it is not easy to get up with something as if nothing has happened.

kamakshi was trying her best to be normal. 

"uth ja ri ,kitna soyegi..?",savitri says to kamakshi.

 no reaction. 

"uth na!",savitri with all love and care calls her again. 

no reply again.

"kama!", savitri gets anxious. what would have happened?

she touches her. she is shivering. she is feverish. 

"fever! she has got fever. she is ill.",savitri cries.

"kama! kamakshi! kamakshi?, savitri is nervous now. she holds her but.

savitri removes her blanket,she finds some scratches on her body. paleness. redness. darkness. 

savitri is shocked! what could have happened with her. she stays here only. 

here the mystery begins. kamakshi will not speak unless she is out of fear. savitri will not sleep unless she treats the girl well. now this is going to take another turn.

the contractor is about to become the talk of the town. 

next segment.. keep waiting.! 

because of her class labour - horror begins

that is where kamakshi belongs to.

the clerk called up for kamakshi and as per directions she followed, now just imagine.. do use your brains. A teenage girl, who lost her father just 2 weeks ago, would be able to act ? reply? think? or even wondering what is happening with her...

now here is what's happening....or event react

Contractor, the beast was eagerly waiting for the new flesh to sink into his mouth..
tempting taste buds,he could not control his bloody thirst..

''thak thak'', brings in the sound and reaction on the door.. when the clerk striked the door.

Contractor is busy dreaming about his new flesh...
suddenly he finds the clerk gazing at him and don't know what the hell strikes his mind,
he shouts on him, "can't you knock before entering you son of a "....let's just not read the word that moron threw at the clerk. It is obvious when you mind is thinking something lavishly dirty, apart from the scenes and promos of the dirty picture.. You are likely to get irritated like the contractor... well this happens..

Although the clerk was innocent.. I have sympathy for this character in the entire story.. you'd come to know..

The clerk gave no yes or no.. he just kept quiet, hands folded and entered the contractor's room.
the room was well ventilated. this creep had purchased an air conditioner for his room after cutting few bucks of the "almighty labourers". he was lucky enough to enjoy the air so cool from the machine.. till the time savitri was unaware about the gamble..  how pity on him..! come on! he is the "naali ka keeda of the story".. i can't love the villian ever.. hope you don't either..

anyways, no more wait..

"Where's my meal, am hungry you slam eater" i understand he was a well versed person, still abusing and rebuking a person is nowhere a normal thing.. not atleast in my dictionary is the word maintainable. ofcourse! i have a oxford.. blah blah!

Continued the contractor... " you came empty handed, did you khaya usko raastey mei.. aaj hi karunga.. mauka ni chodhna koi.. ni toh gaya tera.. sab kuch. teri ladki bhai sundari lagi muje, apsara bolu.. us savitri ko kamjor karna hai muje, thappad laga kar dia tha na... ab shuru hogi uski... paauuuuuu ! " and he laughed like a greedy person... like a ravan.

"sahab.. bahar hi hai.. meri beti ko nako kuch karna sahab.. abi bahut bacchi hai.. padegi bolti hai.. mai aap jo bolte hai..karta hoon.. chala jata hu koi dikkat hota hai apko", cried the clerk..

What do you think after reading these lines, am not telling you a nap story. it is all that has happened with somebody..........to.. a woman i relate in gender.. by a man who relate in gender to all the males who read it. ..or are reading it..

Think about any such thing that never let you come out of it's terror.. and now get ready for the brutal part...

Uneducated but honest was the clerk. he understood no English.. a tincture of "a", B , c  ....n so on was all that he remembered still he was not a proper literate. yet to managed to stay quiet... so calm. you see.

"rona bandh kar saale, m*******c***. la k rakh ...r**** ko.. " contractor screamed..

within no minutes the clerk pushed her in and locked the door..

he later on increased the sound of the machines and other Equipments so that if anything .... you know what i would like to convey.........

the nudity...............


she was standing shy... unaware.. calm..innocent. it is all these kind words she deserve for the person she is...a woman!

contractor could not keep himself away from her simplicity and lustrous beauty.

"idhar aaja...." contractor smiled at her and called.

She said nothing......
"baith ja..... sit..!" he said..

Observing her skin... don't know what the hell this dog was smelling actually... he touched her rags..her clothes.. her purple embroidered skirt and yellow blouse with the green dupatta that savitri brought her..

He said, " yehi pehenti tu, aur kuch ni... kaisa ganda hua kapda tera.. utaar mei deta naya.."

She was almost scared to what is happening with her.. she stood up from where he directed her to sit and kept standing.. as if she understood what was happening..

all alone

She came form a far away isle.. no sense of language nothing she knew..what to speak.. what to understand.. this was the reason she kept mum......and........moving on.

"Na...na...na..!", she started crying..while the contractor was busy starring at her..

This is one word you need no language to understand.. it is a hindi word for "no"....and i guess every language is aware of this commonness.

something dirty was about to begin..
he gripped her shoulder.. and made her sit down on the floor.
he laid a blanket dimmed the lights..
dropped down the temperature to 18 and called to come near her.

now imagine what would have happened.. it is not that he raped her of anything else..
what happened is like something was letting her to follow what he wanted.

here is the part..........

She sat near to him. he was just letting his skin enjoy the new flavour..
he begin cuddling her.. entirely..
she kept mum.

He began sayin,"shift ho ja udhar".. where she understood nothing but she reacted as he wanted.
what was she accepting???
and why??

He swallowed her mouth.. and tasted her.

I feel a little awkward bringing this in the blog here..
yet is the part one should never see.. hear or speak about........

4 walls of the room were enough to listen to all that happened..

She gave herself to him... without any forced.. or resentment.

He made her bareclothes.. though he was bare shame and bare of his humanity.

"He wanted her to be nude...
she did that...

man always thought of her like this..

he wanted her to get laid..
she did that..
he wanted her to be free..
she did that..
all that she did ..
and kept mum..."


After his supper... and blood filled kamakshi on the floor.. all that was irking him was ...,"why is she quiet..?" thank god his senses were working.. she suddenly stood up.. he thought she is dead.. but she was "wide awake"... listening and feeling everything things that was .........shocking her.

He feared.. he feared of her silence now...

He called upon the clerk who was outside...

He clerk outside was crying..but minutes before the contractor called him.. he was thinking the same," why is she quiet...? no noise.. no cry..




now just think,
when a woman is quiet .......she is  more deadly.. 
contractor ...understood this.. and so did the clerk..

No where is if you mother mary ..when she is quiet.. she looks like speechless...but not helpless.
it is to convey you this.. that when a woman is quiet..she is not loosing. she is gaining.. he is rebooting in her everything..including anger and revenge..


I 'll tell you what happened later... in the next segment

kamakshi lost her father..
this contractor! raped her.. though she gave away herself but a teenage...girl who knew no language.. why did she speak through silence... ?

because of her class... "labour"

I never mind myself a worker or anything else but making a person totally different from what he belongs is not at all justified. on the other hand, it is not written anywhere that there is a specified category of job and a person would be called sir or labour as per that..

It striked my mind just when i saw a place in delhi where construction work was about to begin and this man who so beautifully calls himself as the contractor treats his men as labourers- to which class did he actually belong to..he had no idea himself, still he attained so much of guts to speak, "labour".

Often i also hate this word, i hate the titles itself. they are actually abolished by our constitution as well, as per article 18 still......

This women who is wearing a silk sari,
that is torn apart  from the pleat but even after that she managed to wear it so nicely that i wanted to make her my wallpaper of the day for the new dell laptop i recently purchased.

A women is in herself a clean substance, no doubt her chastity is often a big question?
sita gave her best performance, and since then the society for women .. never changed.

Now this lady here am talking about is savitri bai. she has not actually made any visit to yamraja,the god of death apparently but yes, she is the bravest one in the entire structure and sight to handle the ferocious contractor.  Unmarried,slim and sari ...no film is complete without a hero, and here is what is happening.
savitri is the leader of the women folk and madhiram is that of men.

I started with the female because, come on! vidya balan striked the box office for 7 weeks after dirty picture hit the theatre, it is obvious i will be highly inspired by that one.

ok! jokes apart, this man! madhiram is involved in a critical clash with savitri. hates her. does not like her way of dealing with him with violence but because madhiram respects his mother,he respects her!

so! everything begins with this girl and boy story. girl here,savitri is just 21 and madhiram is 24. a great couple they would be at the end of the blog but.. please enjoy the beginning.

"savitri" shouted the contractor,keshav. twice,thrice.

no reply....

"savitri" again the contractor tried to call her..

"aye! leader.." he shouted as much as he could have echoed around.
this actually worked.. and a very cute voice,daring as usual replied back, "bol be! khajur", this was savitri.. coming out of her small hut,made by herself.

the contractor as usual was aware of her dare devil work so he never ever dared to speak anything against her, which would tend him to land in the pot hole. so he came to the point without letting any clash to spark out.
contractor informer her," why has the work not started yet, it is 10.30 by now and we have to complete the  first floor in 30 days?".

"mana ki terko 30 din ka drama karna hai,english samajh aati hai, par tu sight mei ghustey hi come near my hut,kya be?",savitri commentd. well she has learnt a little english recently after the government introduced the minimum wages act,1948. that also helped the children of labour class to learn and write at least.

"meri maa! tu kaam toh shuru kar.....meri english bahut buri hai khush! teri muh nai lagna mereko,jata mai..kaam kara k de bas.." he left after saying this much in terrified voice.

in the scene came "kamakshi" a princess by name but a labour by designation and occupation. she was new in this field. her father died of cancer 15 days back and savitri brought her here. to live with the labour class people.

"labour" the word is so common for the rich that they would,  easily recognize one.
it is a social class that work on daily or minimum wages. they were unemployed in one way yet it is only if they work in day, they will be able to eat something in the night.

"kamakshi! this is your work,this is first day of yours, load the bricks in the basket here,mix the cement and unload the same, all minor works that are easy to do. " savitri explains.

while kamakshi nodded her head, madhiram interrupted," do you think she would be able to work? i dont trust your brain!".

"you have one?" savitri commented in anger.

"yes! more than yours...so...?" madhiram replied

"why don't you start using it!", she exclaimed taunting him and left.

in the background laughed everybody.

"do your work,you morons!", pouring his anger in the atmosphere,madhiram relaxed on the pile of bricks.

the chapter begins here............

the contractor never knew kamakshi is new. who ever is in, comes in his limelight. but this turned out to be a vicious circle for kamakshi..........now here is contractor i told you was scared of savitri. so when she was out of work, something dreadful took place. horror in the labour block near sight.

contractor after hearing about kamakshi's appearance in the sight, called for her through his clerk.

clerk went to sight, the labour block.
"kamakshi", sitting near the pile of bricks and cement, she was drawing caricatures on the limestone dust on the ground. after hearing her name, she stood up. speaking nothing as usual.

"come with me"....clerk ordered and she followed him

what happened after that?
 for that you will have to read my next blog. 

conversation with my maid

i wish i could gather some guts to write about this things inside me when i feel gender bias is the biggest issue in the life of a female. it takes months to gather guts and speak to your newly wed hubby as well about your after marriage menstruation. also it is not always easy to talk in a polite manner to a person who is your boss and not always respects your work for him.

even in the past 60 year,i find my women... then and there.
there is a subtle innocence on her face and she still carries a sweeping cloth in her hand, thinking form where to begin..."i have to" utters my maiden ,when i ask her why do u serve as a maid. how does it feel to you? do you understand where you stand.

the 16 year old,bows down,wondering myself,why is she looking down at the marble so clean just minutes before her wipe on the floor..she tilts her head towards the corners of the room for find particles of dust if any,move towards one such space,sits to clean them and answers,"Didi! we people not always get rich life like you! it may b poorer or poor. richness never gave us any treat, neither Diwali nor dashera".

in the dread of a scolding from her master, my mother. as she utters,"ho gaya anita" calling her maid. she leaves me in a puzzle during the rare conversation between me and her. quick goes her hand ON Every marble. every furniture. yet so clean and shiny!

millions of rich people in the world, i used to think, have maids. and they keep them in their own house like a member. but there are only a few people who do so. at least  they treat them like human beings. many of them don't do that either.

ignorance has been a human nature in our society. you can count if a 100 years back even. a part of our generation was ignored even then. and even now.

by the time i come out of my questions and thoughts she leaves the house, making me alarmed by saying,"Didi! bandh karlo". she does not speak such a good Hindi but yet it makes me wonder what would have been "her" reason for losing so much form her life. it is her precious time. she is just 16.  younger to me even but yet not aware of the educating world. or may be she knows but she has no other option but this work. this house maid thing is not good.

the same day i was going through this articles on wikipedia that i found was not so capable of giving the answers to my questions. i find calculations with so and so percent of girls harassed as maids. raped and so on. yes! i  do know there is always a threat but why so? crime happens with her only!

gender thing has always been a cruel thing in our society.
if she is not educated yet she can work. though she is educated.. she need not work.
man knows demands of the situations are unbearable. you don't know what day may be your last on this muddy planet. yet you take risks. such that you never know would it be any benefit.

what i mean is that, why do such a vast population still needs to work. everytime we listen this rate of increase in growth and so much development here and there. but i find my maid still working in my house and begging my mom not to remove her due to her small age.

it is so shameful! our society is fond of servants. lazy bumps are just so tired of work ...

"yeh saaf kardu, ho jayga mare se" i just dont know how to answr her but am so dumb when she enquires me to clean my dirt from my clothes seven days after her work and my school chores . it is sunday again when i meet her.

i have atleast a day off,
she has none.
i have 3 times meal,
she just had one.
i had 2 to look after,mom and dad,
she has just one.
i have many book to learn,
she has none.

this is all that i conclude when she does not know which side is the right side to read of a book that she piles up in a cloth as my mom gives it to her in scrap.

" dekh yeh nechey giri hai utha usey", mom firmly commands her.

she picks up the book from the marble, kisses it and keeps it in the pile. here i understand what she meant to devout. more than my respect for the book she has it. she my maid.

"koi padhne ko ho toh de do, A b C wali.?" she asks me as she piles up the rest.

just to know her interest, i asked " tu kya kregi?".

she looks up,so high as i am standing. her eyes gleaming and shining. soul so pure in her. she was traumatized in a manner she felt i would oppose to give her any. without her knowledge that i just wanted to know her heart for books.

"mai padhlu toh? mere pass ni hai koi, time milta hai thoda......" she stops as i look at her continuously "nahi hai toh koi baat ni, sirf seekhna tha. aap leke do gey. paisey deti hu mai" i give her the book i felt can help her. it was an old book which came to our house with a flow.

her smile was so special for the moment i cant break that in words.

thank you was not her cup for tea in the situation. she kept smiling as she kept looking at the book while making an exit. i wonder if people like me could give at least one book to someone who need it..more than us...

"a b C D e F g H i J K   ........... o p" she waits ..thinking that she missed a few letters..and starts again "a b c d e f g h  i j k l m n O  p Q r S t  U V W x Y Z..."... i hear her saying the next Sunday when i see her humming. her baba worked it out for her...

in my opinion she is more than a graduate even! 

from the women in torn clothes

if it better to say clothes here then i must not say her wan colour sari. i dont know what colour do we people fill in ourlife that makes it really different to look at those petite conditions in which a women near the roadside is living.

i was ashamed of myself . it my indolent exclaimation that could bring up a list of numerous reasons, yet not help her. yet not help her.

thousand times i see many like me capable of doing and achieving goals but we make no point for them who have zeros with out goals. it is astonishing that i being a female myself could not cover her.

one thing is very awkward in our society . it is this that we people never try to conceal those things which are naked. on the  contrary we try to dig them out of deep trenches. even law doesnot allow man to kill or slaughter females ,but it happens. because we never stop.

the problem is that disgraceful things never happend with us. it happens with the people below our line. may be the maid in your house is outraged. you are not aware of her "big story" so small to you. yet to sits and share a little from your life.

the small people around us are only small in clothes and money else they are rich. and they were richer ones as i saw her. she has her child carrying around her abdomen i dont know how was she able to manage that in the scorching heat of the sun. begging for a single penny if we could avail her from the car windows. but we are lethargic and this cant happen as donating her even a silver coin would bring loss. huge one perhaps.

wrinkles,wan ,pale,dead was her skin when i looked at her.
still... am elaborating it is a sin. because i have no right to discuss about her condition here. yet this ... am amazed. dread in shock. 

part and play...two different things.

ek khule panney jaisi lagne wali yeh zindagi,

achanak toofan k samne darte lehrate paidh ki tarah kyu lagti hai,

nahi dikhta jisey pani kahi bi,

fir bi uski pyas kis baat se bujhti hai ,

kya aas Kare koi zindagi haseen,

aur dava mile jo Kare har khwab rangeen ,

yeh man jalte hue aag dil mei sulagta kyu hai,

zindagi itni subah k sath jo ji,

raat hone bhar se yeh dhalta kyu hai..........

us paidh ki tarah yeh bi toofan k dayare se nikalta kyu hai.....

har anjaam, mushkil k baad hi milta kyu hai......

i don't know to what extent i wanted to write this here,on this page..but i really wanna convey one thing,that often man in his life thing,he can create every big step as per his wish,but he cant.

he has to thing that when he is living a life,there are others who depend on him. he forgets that.

he commits a crime when he hurts them. but he doesn't know that...but why does he not make an attempt to know that.

i feel i have the power to escape from every grief in a world...but no body can live a life alone.. it is a biggest grief.. one can ever live on.

world knows..each man,each nation knows this.. to every beginning there is a end.. may be tragic..but still...even at the end of the day when you want food made of your choice..how can you deny living as per your own desire.

that is full enforcement of one's rule over the other.

Hitler was trying to win over a mass.. but that was his cruelty...forcing people to do what he likes.

i cant make a broom work on my command,i have to make it move.. it is then ,when if would work for me. this is because i understand that mechanically i have to make it work.

this is what i mean,understanding a whole heart take s a lifetime, not only this to each and everything in this world,a knowledge is required,one cant make his own decisions..

one cannot win,but may loose easily.

it is easy to say this work is mine. i have done it. contribution should also be given credit.

part and play are two different things.

thing that is a part,has to play to whichever part to relates to.

and world here is a stage...each country is a part of it.

and its representatives have a role to play.

must remind you...

one cant achieve victory alone. and inspiration works,one way desire also does...this is how so many people go ahead in their life.

every time a tycoon makes a history an actress brings out emotions on the screen, a singer feels the song and sings,a bird loves the air and fly.. this is what makes things go the right way....